Thursday, October 25, 2018

Said with a Smile

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I realized it was a cup too much coconut sugar, "well, I guess we are having coconut cake today!" I almost cried then, it was six AM. my hands weren't following instructions, I fumbled, dropped and even burnt myself..."I wish I could just go back to bed. I felt off when I woke up but there was no reason for it, why am I so tired? its still so dark out, I have to focus, gotta get the lunches made and the kids out the door" I try to calm myself, I love mornings but I hate having to rush in them. "Did you brush your teeth?" "grab a snack" Jake takes over, hands me a cup of coffee, I set into tidying up. I have a feeling I know where this morning is going.
"I love you" I kiss them goodbye and say our quick before school morning prayer "Father God, thank you for Jaime/Addy give them a good day keep them safe, help them to make good choices and be helpful and kind"  
they head out I head back to work and take some vitamin D, st. johns wort, and a multi vitamin. Got to shake this off. I have to admit when everyone canceled I wasn't upset, my hands weren't moving like I had hoped, my wheel felt uncomfortable, I kept breaking the yarn.
I grabbed some "uplift" oil ribbed it on my feet and my arms, I've gotta climb out of this. Facebook, I see Nana smile, tears, bathroom, "no more please, throat unclench" I remember where she is, I'm okay with her being free and whole, but I can't seem to shake this fog that has consumed me.

I go to the library with Jake, smile and chat with a lady I know from Bible study, the librarian, the lady who works at the place we get lunch, my neighbor, I smile and chat.
"Its okay, you don't have to feel yourself, I get these days too"
Jake doesn't rush me when  I can't get comfortable enough, when I want just a bite of something, he doesn't mind me coming with because I don't want to be alone like this, because its scary. he doesn't flinch when he asks "are you ready to go inside, and I say "no" and sit in the car knit and listen to a couple of my current favorite songs. "I'm ready to go in now, its funny I seem to dread any transition today, I don't want to leave wherever I am but I don't want to be there either" 
"that's okay, it doesn't bother me" he doesn't get upset when I curl up in his lap or can't make up my mind about the tea, no rush, just calm. "do you want to go outside while I check out, I've got it" I hate checkouts so I smile sing "have a good day to the clerk and sit out there while the kids run and play and giggle "thank you god for the sunshine that just started shining and my beautiful sweet children, thank you for showing me this and not letting me miss this moment, I needed this moment, today was hard"
Jake takes the active little to go for a Pokemon raid, Jaime reads and I take a nap "let her rest" I hear him say as addy tries to tell me about her Pokemon, I wake up to them eating dinner, happy. grabbing some tomatoes and a cheese stick I sit down with them "I made you some tea" he hands me a warm mug, Jake keeps me well stocked in warm mugs. They all eat their fill and head over to the living room.
Right now Adeline is sitting in his lap reading a book, Jaime is in and out of conversation, Jake is gently helping her with troublesome words...
I still feel heavy, meh, uncomfortable, tired, ill at ease...depressed(I hate that word, it gives me a visual of a victorian woman swooning dramatically onto a chez lounge). Today was just hard, no reason, just my brain was off today... I can write about it, and only with Jake will I let all of it show honestly in the moment.
I don't go around looking blue, I don't hate my life, I laugh and joke and smile, I don't shy away from conversation, I go on as if its all fine, and it will be again, but it absolutely isn't.
Not in the moment, my heart felt so battle weary, everything was hard, everything hurt, and I said everything with a smile.

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