Sunday, October 21, 2018

Conquer Fear

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. 
 - Nelson Mandela         


I went out of my comfort zone(a lot) this week.

I silenced the "I'm not good enough" voices in my head, the cries of FRAUD, and all of my self criticism. The fear of rejection, the fear of disappointing people, the fear of critisism.
You see..
I photograph my children, my sister's children, my family, in a very cozy relaxed candid way. I don't pose people, I don't take photos that are meant to do anything but hang on someones wall, or reflect anything but their personality, I run and play and make funny faces and roll around with little kids, my nanny muscles are strong and its easy to connect with kids and capture the love of a family. its easy.
easy...comfortable

 I HATE things that scare me, my initial reaction is to run, and in running and talking myself down I don't grow.

My dear friend Kimberly is a kindred spirit, as artists we both feel hard, we dream big but the path to such personal dreams is a terrifying one. Kimberly has a huge dream, a noble dream an attainable dream, a dream that no matter the size of its success, will add beauty to the world, she has started on her journey and she isn't turning back!

But...

As for me, I'm still terrified, and I don't have a clear definition of what I even want to accomplish. I know I want to love people, to make things, and share the beauty I see and feel with the world through words and images.

But...

 What if they hate it(whoever they are, lets say family and friends) the thing that if they were criticizing something I like I wouldn't be offended or hurt(its not personal _____ just isn't for you) but if people criticize who I am, something I created, or what I see or feel, my heart would break.
I've had a taste of it, having a thought or reposting a video and having someone I loved and thought would respect me tear me a new one mercilessly, try to pick a fight with me, or say "I though you would never have a negative voice" when I was writhing in pain trying to be honest, crying for help... both were trusted people, family, who forgot that the person on the other side of the screen was sensitive, going-through-a-lot-of-crap-and-doesn't-need-another-thing-added-to-that ME.
It broke me.
Fear
Rejection
Conflict
So I stayed quiet. I didn't say I'm a writer, a photographer, an artist, for fear that someone would say that I'm not... "you don't sell anything (I wouldn't take money, I'm not good enough) you aren't published, you didn't go to university, you aren't anything"
These words are my greatest fear.

YOU. 
AREN'T. 
ENOUGH.


BUT!

My friend has a dream. I want to be a small help to her dream, because it is beautiful and it will make the world more beautiful.

She asked if I will,
I said yes,
because Love casts out fear.

And while I'm at it,
in my vulnerability, I'm sharing a few photos from the photoshoot, the photoshoot that my friend knew I was capable of, even when I was letting my fear rule me, I still have a long way to go with this fear.

These are a few of my favorites, some were for her use, some I had to take because it is who she is to me. My joyous, fun, overcoming, encouraging friend, gently pushing me out of my comfort zone and onto a path to whatever my dream will be.



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I have been fighting fear since I was little, it is my familiar foe, my boogyman under the bed, the mindset behind the shower curtain in the bathroom of my life.  But now, the thing is,  I don't think I want to run anymore...

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