They started construction on our anniversary, with a massive pounding at my basement and the chaotic frustration and panic of not being unable to complete a thought. Once I got out, after many tears, and the sweet reassurance and comforting was given by my very understanding husband, we promptly went to the store. He put the noise cancelling test headphones on my head "how are they? do you like them? there is only silver, no black, is that okay?".
I was in a little bit of shock, these were amazing but I would never let myself spend this much money on something only I need and would use, I have been using cheap over the ear headphones to help with anxiety in crowded areas for years, it cuts down on a lot of the cluttering noises so I can sort my thoughts a little better and not get so overwhelmed, but on the way home from America my headphones had broke and though staying home I hadn't really needed them with the pounding going on ALL DAY i was a little terrified to say the least. I work and live at home, I am a home body, this is my safe place.
"I LOVE THEM, they are perfect, grey is my favourite colour." with that, they were mine. When we got back home Jake chuckled(I think, I couldn't hear him, but this is where all the lip reading of being crowd deaf comes in handy) every time I put them on with a massive, excited, grin at the womp of silence that comes when you turn the headphones on.
Quiet, beautiful silence, I was so excited, I saw all the ways I could use them at once, all the ways I could take back a little control. I have never liked the noise of cities, and when lots of people came over my house as a kid I would go outside or hide with my poppa in a quiet room, but when you live in a city noise is unavoidable, and now I could literally turn it off when I needed to.
Though I thought it impossible, this week got better!
It all started when my kids woke up at 5 am with me. I wake up at that time to be alone, but they were up and totally at me. I noticed the first thing they did after getting dressed and ready was go to the living room to read books. I though about it and realised these two don't play in their rooms at all, they bring whatever it is they are doing to the living room, or play outside or play in the basement, but almost never in their rooms. Why doe they need two bedrooms to sleep?
Of course, I talked to them about it asking them their thoughts and they both agreed that they don't like spending time in their bedrooms, even when they need quiet time they would rather go somewhere else in the house than in their bedrooms. "well do you mind sleeping in the same room?" Jaime being the 10 yearly that he is thought about it carefully, no he didn't mind and he liked that addy came to play with him during the day when they did play in their rooms and he always changed in the bathroom anyway because it was easier. To Adeline it was a dream come true, she HATES being alone to sleep, though she needs quiet time se needs her reassuring tribe near so she can feel safe. We consulted Jake who thought it was a great idea and immediately helped me put Addy's stuff in the big bedroom (It really is HUGE).
He suggested mid moving that we go run to the thrift store to see if there were any desks for the kids, which there weren't. However, there was a lovely extending table for me, I found two amazing wool suits, and a wool skirt, AND a lovely glass teapot (I have a glass tea set but the teapot broke)! Jake found a leather jacket and though it fits him it fits Jaime a bit better, and a beautiful mug for me that on the inside says"good morning sunshine" and on the outside says "since it is beneficial for health, I decided to be happy" in German (perfect for me right!?) but it also has a little squirrel on it, and I love squirrels. On the way home we found a pretty plant stand on the side of the road, and I told Jake I feel like I'm being given a big God hug all day, so many things are gong right and falling into place.
When we got home and I get it up my little studio is just so cozy, Jake said I am not allowed to turn it back into a kids bedroom(almost with a face that said we should have done this sooner, or, I'm not going through that again, you need your space!).
So it came to be that I found myself this weekend settling into a new little nook in my tiny flat. I am the kind of person that has to get used to a space before I can feel at home in it, every time we move or rearrange my flat I'll stay at home a few days and get used to things, and light candles and really immerse myself in that place until it feels familiar and like it belongs to me. we were supposed to go out this weekend but because of many reasons(the kids being up at 3AM the day we were planning to take a day trip being a big one) we stayed home, and I was able to enjoy a whole day pottering about my little room getting used to the place, finishing two projects and getting another cast on. I put up pictures, lit candles, tidied some books, and drank lots of coffee and tea.
My wee studio is ready, it feels like home, its peaceful. It seems no one can resist it, I am joined often by my favourite people, I love this! I also love that I can also be alone here if I want, they can always tell when I need to be alone, even the tiniest one understands and will happily listen to an audiobook on her own(she thinks that is how its done, I'm sure of it, mum needs to be alone and I have audiobook and colouring/play time, win win!).
This room of my own, these quiet days, the ability to control my mind a little more, these gifts I thought were out of my reach, have so unexpectedly been given to me, I feel blessed beyond belief, because though some may think silence and a little room aren't a big deal, for me they are precisely what my soul needs. I am ever so thankful, my heart overflows, and I can't really express this gratitude, I pray in silent thanksgiving, because I can't begin to express the lightness of heart that I feel in words.