I have been avoiding this keyboard.
Life rolls on and at times I feel as though it is plowing me over.
I step back.
In winter I find that, with the nature induced emotional weakness, I lack the energy to get by on my own. In my weakness I cling to my faith. I stop trying to put words in God's mouth and listen to the still small urgings of the Holy Spirit. Usually I feel the pull to fast, often timesthis conveniently falls around lent, after the business of holidays and birthdays has left me anxiety stricken and depleted, and after all "I just want to help" and "what harm could one more event be?"
Anxiety and panic attacks become more often, I'm beyond running on "E" there are no fumes left to be had, if I were a bank account I would be deeply in debt. I just want to stop the whirlwind I so easily get caught into. In this dark, cold, blustery season I am learning to stop more and more. To emulate the trees, to conserve, prepare, and care for the things very few people can see but without survival couldn't happen. spring blossoms, summer shade , and autumn harvest wouldn't be possible if in winter the trees didn't rest. I need silence.
As a parent who doesn't go to a traditional 9-5 I am often feeling the pull to be active outside of my home, I have had a number of well meaning comments on how "you have time" or "don't have a job" because I don't go to work. In reality, I have plenty to do at home, a family of individuals who I want to give the best version of my self to, the not weary version. Not to mention the time I would like to invest in my art, my future, and my personal dreams.
in my time of fasting and praying I am in so many ways being led to put my energy into what I truly value, and avoid doing things because I have (can make) time, or because I am good at it (so clearly I should fill the gap even though I feel in no way called this job... well, hello "need for approval" and "fear of disappointing others" *eye roll*)
I am learning over and over again that the world goes on without me and that what it really needs from me is to BE who I actually am. A wife and mum who wants to love her family actively and with emotional energy to be gentle and kind, rather than huffy, depleted, and fragile. An artist and creative being, who needs to actively pursue the flow of her creative urges. Makers and creators need to make and create, the reasons are in explicable. But when that stream of expression is blocked or stopped we lose who we are, angst reigns supreme, and the consequences of this lack of nourishment feels like living death... yeah it sounds extreme, but we are emotional beings and taking away such a huge part of what makes you YOU is dangerous as walking the edge of a cliff.
So dearest friends, I invite you to join me in this introspective winter, and in this journey of valuing who we were created to be.