Oh, the ebbs and flows of life, the seasons, the stages and fazes. I am exhausted just thinking about it. In the last month we started kindergarten, turned the heaters on, and said goodbye to people who have become family.
There were many tears shed, mostly by me and Ads, and now I'm focused on fully transitioning us into our "school normal" which so far this week is a total flop, leaving me in tears only to get sick last night(I'm thinking it was something I ate that just didn't agree with me, I also wouldn't be surprised if it was emotional... yesterday was the worst).
I'm in the process of learning to be available, to make time for creativity and find joy in the daily slog. I've written down some things I want to accomplish, some priorities, the things I love doing, and I'm going to try to make more time to really Live life more joyously, because somewhere in the mourning, and the school runs, and making dinner, I lost some of my gratitude and my sense of wonder started to dissipate.
Trudging through has never been my style, I like my enthusiasm, my thankfulness, and the fact that the changing seasons leave me breathless, I believe this is a key part of who God made me, and I don't want to forget who I am. The fear is that Mourning and loneliness will change me. I've lost myself in grief before and I don't want to ever again. I have decided to choose joy, to look for the good and let the hurt roll off of me like water. I will feel it but eventually it evaporates, that's a hard thing to remember when your standing in the rain.
Once I was really hurt by people who were supposed to be my friends, but I didn't want to hate them, or let their ignorance change me or leave me battered, so I would say 3 nice things(however shallow they may be) about them every time I would think one mean thing. Sometimes it was "she has nice hair" or "I like her taste in fabric" but there are at least three things in any situation that is happening, and this helped me come out wiser, but also not nearly as bruised, bitter, or battered. This translated really well to most situations where I get overwhelmed about the negative.
Three good things.
Three things that brought me joy.
Three things that were so beautiful I stopped to take them in.
When I start making a habit to switch my brain over, to look for gratitude. To search for those three things. To look for those photos, those songs, those peaceful moments, my heart switches to a heart that looks for the good and easily sees the beauty in this world, full of it's ebbs and flows, seasons, stages and fazes.