Oh, what a busy season in life it has been!
Learning to rest is difficult but necessary. I'm not good at it. But in this life's season I need to stop and breathe. Which is difficult for me. Life is so brilliantly full, with friends, volunteering, taking care of a home and the family in it, and dealing with the curve balls of life. I find myself getting into survival and over do everything until I melt(all over poor Jake).
My grandmother passed away a few weeks ago and no, I don't really want to talk about it. My heart is a lump in my throat whenever someone says "I'm so sorry" or "how are you doing?" For the most part I am rejoicing in her home going but then it hits me at the most odd times and I'm sad for myself and my family, and the fact that I'm here, in another country, trying to go about business as usual. I feel helpless and useless and a little lonely for someone else who is grieving too or who remembers her when she was her. It's finally hit me and I just want to be alone with my thoughts.
I don't like to disappoint or burden other people, and sometimes, because I'm quite social, people don't always understand when I retreat into myself, sometimes they get offended or hurt, or worse ignore the fact that i need to be alone and start venting to me like "business as usual" (seriously, INFJ personality profile, this is me, this is my life). I'm pretty guilt ridden normally and take everything to heart so i can over exert and ignore my emotional needs trying to not disappoint people, though in reality If I ignore this need to recharge I'll be dealing with a much bigger problem.
Trying to do everything when I need to be still is like taking one step forward and two steps back, you're going no where, but if you do it for too long you'll still find yourself exhausted. I'm stripping down my to do list, choosing the best yeses, and refocusing my goals. My mind is full and my heart is heavy and sore, it's time to stop and spend quiet time with God and stop trying to do things on my own strength.
Its time to rest.