Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Death and taxes

The one thing I know for sure,
life never goes to plan.
I planned
to have the day off.
to sit in beautiful silence,
to spin
to knit
to create in lonesome bliss
I planned.

I have a tenancy to laugh at the
I-will-never's
of others
whilst simultaneously planning
days that will never go as planned.

The baby cries,
humanity is frail,
The unexpected,
rapidly breeding frustration.

The unplanned reality
Expectation defined is
Fragility.

Intentions shatter.

The haughty will be silenced in the end.


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Lately I think in poems...
then when i am done my thoughts and feelings have taken form and sorted themselves.

   It's  been two weeks of what feels like the season of chaos unfolding. I was actually really looking forward to my day off before, get this, ANOTHER FOUR DAY WEEKEND! My kids don't DO interruptions in schedule very well, they get antsy, and clingy, and grumpy. Then they suck the barely there emotional life right out of me! They are great kids, but there is A LOT of personality in those tiny packages, so a lot of active and engaged parenting is happening, so they LEARN to be great adults. Just as they are learning to be kind responsible adults, I am learning how to teach them, and survive without a total meltdown! I wouldn't mind a meltdown so much, but I really just don't have time, our parents aren't just down the street to take my kids while I HAVE that breakdown, we are without a village, at time i feel like i'm living in exile(but that thought for another day). There isn't someone who can take my kids for a week while I recharge work on my issues, or even regularly, so I don't get to a point where I'm dropping F bombs like its the Blitz,  because in all honesty that's what happens when I'm stressed, i sound like a drunken sailor!!
I have to be really careful with myself, if you will allow, an automotive paralel... I have to make sure I have gas in my tank and be regular with maintenance because there is no foreseeable repair shop in my future, and i'm not a new car either! I've been in a few accidents, there is 30 years of wear and tear, and trauma, and miles!

 OH! and why is it that people who have never parented a day in their life post all of their "experts say_______ will hugely damage your kids for life" (please excuse me as I wait quietly for you to enjoy your little bundle of unpredictability... just a heads up, I've never met a judgemental non parent who hasn't wound up having to deal with the realities of Colic, learning differences like ADHD or autism(that they knew how to "prevent" so well pre-kid), adventurous/dangerous kids, or just little undisciplined horrors as a result of their ever so brilliant parenting methods... *insert devilish laugh*)

I digress...often

So I was really looking forward to my alone time, I need a recharge day so I can have the energy to parent well from a rested nurtured heart.
  Come to this morning, I haven't even had my breakfast shake yet  and Adeline comes out crying, "my throat hurts and today is my favorite day, gym and library"(way to be a combination of mum and dad, kid!)
And Just like that my day is in the toilet.
I will have to figure out how to work with less than ideal,
that's life.

In short, don't count your chickens before they have hatched, Don't pretend to be an expert on a land you have never lived in, and DON'T judge what you don't know.
Yeah, I know its all the same thing.
basically
be nice... and shut up.
(dies laughing)
I  know I'm sassy today, but I'm also spent, and trying not to panic/dread the season of solo parenting that is quickly coming upon me... send prayers and a nanny!


Friday, November 2, 2018


sky



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Out of the darkness that seemed to engulf my world,
I walk,
looking back it seems so small
but I vividly recall its suffocating embrace.
I walk 
Through this land
thick with shadows,
these shadows of death.
"I will fear no evil"
I'm still afraid.
"You are with me"
You conquered my fear before
"Will you hold my hand again?" 
We walk
I still feel small,
Show me all the beauty again.
We walk,
You guided me into a golden field
We watch the sunset, 
the darkness surrounds us
chills up my arms,
I'm scared.
I fear.
"I'm here. 
See the stars with me, 
Feel the grass under your feet. 
I'll take you with me, 
I'm always with you. 
Leave your fear with me"


Thursday, October 25, 2018

Said with a Smile

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I realized it was a cup too much coconut sugar, "well, I guess we are having coconut cake today!" I almost cried then, it was six AM. my hands weren't following instructions, I fumbled, dropped and even burnt myself..."I wish I could just go back to bed. I felt off when I woke up but there was no reason for it, why am I so tired? its still so dark out, I have to focus, gotta get the lunches made and the kids out the door" I try to calm myself, I love mornings but I hate having to rush in them. "Did you brush your teeth?" "grab a snack" Jake takes over, hands me a cup of coffee, I set into tidying up. I have a feeling I know where this morning is going.
"I love you" I kiss them goodbye and say our quick before school morning prayer "Father God, thank you for Jaime/Addy give them a good day keep them safe, help them to make good choices and be helpful and kind"  
they head out I head back to work and take some vitamin D, st. johns wort, and a multi vitamin. Got to shake this off. I have to admit when everyone canceled I wasn't upset, my hands weren't moving like I had hoped, my wheel felt uncomfortable, I kept breaking the yarn.
I grabbed some "uplift" oil ribbed it on my feet and my arms, I've gotta climb out of this. Facebook, I see Nana smile, tears, bathroom, "no more please, throat unclench" I remember where she is, I'm okay with her being free and whole, but I can't seem to shake this fog that has consumed me.

I go to the library with Jake, smile and chat with a lady I know from Bible study, the librarian, the lady who works at the place we get lunch, my neighbor, I smile and chat.
"Its okay, you don't have to feel yourself, I get these days too"
Jake doesn't rush me when  I can't get comfortable enough, when I want just a bite of something, he doesn't mind me coming with because I don't want to be alone like this, because its scary. he doesn't flinch when he asks "are you ready to go inside, and I say "no" and sit in the car knit and listen to a couple of my current favorite songs. "I'm ready to go in now, its funny I seem to dread any transition today, I don't want to leave wherever I am but I don't want to be there either" 
"that's okay, it doesn't bother me" he doesn't get upset when I curl up in his lap or can't make up my mind about the tea, no rush, just calm. "do you want to go outside while I check out, I've got it" I hate checkouts so I smile sing "have a good day to the clerk and sit out there while the kids run and play and giggle "thank you god for the sunshine that just started shining and my beautiful sweet children, thank you for showing me this and not letting me miss this moment, I needed this moment, today was hard"
Jake takes the active little to go for a Pokemon raid, Jaime reads and I take a nap "let her rest" I hear him say as addy tries to tell me about her Pokemon, I wake up to them eating dinner, happy. grabbing some tomatoes and a cheese stick I sit down with them "I made you some tea" he hands me a warm mug, Jake keeps me well stocked in warm mugs. They all eat their fill and head over to the living room.
Right now Adeline is sitting in his lap reading a book, Jaime is in and out of conversation, Jake is gently helping her with troublesome words...
I still feel heavy, meh, uncomfortable, tired, ill at ease...depressed(I hate that word, it gives me a visual of a victorian woman swooning dramatically onto a chez lounge). Today was just hard, no reason, just my brain was off today... I can write about it, and only with Jake will I let all of it show honestly in the moment.
I don't go around looking blue, I don't hate my life, I laugh and joke and smile, I don't shy away from conversation, I go on as if its all fine, and it will be again, but it absolutely isn't.
Not in the moment, my heart felt so battle weary, everything was hard, everything hurt, and I said everything with a smile.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Golden Autumn Days

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The golden inviting days seem to be coming to a close in the last two days. I'm seeing the grey days of November  peeping  though my golden October.
Please, just a few more golden days, I'm not ready for them to end.

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Conquer Fear

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. 
 - Nelson Mandela         


I went out of my comfort zone(a lot) this week.

I silenced the "I'm not good enough" voices in my head, the cries of FRAUD, and all of my self criticism. The fear of rejection, the fear of disappointing people, the fear of critisism.
You see..
I photograph my children, my sister's children, my family, in a very cozy relaxed candid way. I don't pose people, I don't take photos that are meant to do anything but hang on someones wall, or reflect anything but their personality, I run and play and make funny faces and roll around with little kids, my nanny muscles are strong and its easy to connect with kids and capture the love of a family. its easy.
easy...comfortable

 I HATE things that scare me, my initial reaction is to run, and in running and talking myself down I don't grow.

My dear friend Kimberly is a kindred spirit, as artists we both feel hard, we dream big but the path to such personal dreams is a terrifying one. Kimberly has a huge dream, a noble dream an attainable dream, a dream that no matter the size of its success, will add beauty to the world, she has started on her journey and she isn't turning back!

But...

As for me, I'm still terrified, and I don't have a clear definition of what I even want to accomplish. I know I want to love people, to make things, and share the beauty I see and feel with the world through words and images.

But...

 What if they hate it(whoever they are, lets say family and friends) the thing that if they were criticizing something I like I wouldn't be offended or hurt(its not personal _____ just isn't for you) but if people criticize who I am, something I created, or what I see or feel, my heart would break.
I've had a taste of it, having a thought or reposting a video and having someone I loved and thought would respect me tear me a new one mercilessly, try to pick a fight with me, or say "I though you would never have a negative voice" when I was writhing in pain trying to be honest, crying for help... both were trusted people, family, who forgot that the person on the other side of the screen was sensitive, going-through-a-lot-of-crap-and-doesn't-need-another-thing-added-to-that ME.
It broke me.
Fear
Rejection
Conflict
So I stayed quiet. I didn't say I'm a writer, a photographer, an artist, for fear that someone would say that I'm not... "you don't sell anything (I wouldn't take money, I'm not good enough) you aren't published, you didn't go to university, you aren't anything"
These words are my greatest fear.

YOU. 
AREN'T. 
ENOUGH.


BUT!

My friend has a dream. I want to be a small help to her dream, because it is beautiful and it will make the world more beautiful.

She asked if I will,
I said yes,
because Love casts out fear.

And while I'm at it,
in my vulnerability, I'm sharing a few photos from the photoshoot, the photoshoot that my friend knew I was capable of, even when I was letting my fear rule me, I still have a long way to go with this fear.

These are a few of my favorites, some were for her use, some I had to take because it is who she is to me. My joyous, fun, overcoming, encouraging friend, gently pushing me out of my comfort zone and onto a path to whatever my dream will be.



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I have been fighting fear since I was little, it is my familiar foe, my boogyman under the bed, the mindset behind the shower curtain in the bathroom of my life.  But now, the thing is,  I don't think I want to run anymore...